I haven't written on this in forever- i'm not sure anyone other than my husband really reads this. Though this is meant more for me than for others to read but if i was completely honest i 'd say yeah i wish more read this.
So David has gotten a new job- PRAISE THE LORD! - and he graduates in Dec. Big changes are happening or are coming. We want to move back to Jackson for several reasons. The new job has kind of been the real pushing factor that got the ball really rolling. I'm still working from home but i'll be taking on another job come Jan. I'll be teaching swimming lessons to kids and babies. I love the water babies class. it's by far my fav. So big changes are coming- it's an exciting time because you really have no clue what's going to happen - but i'm really excited - David has worked really hard for all of this. (that's the big update about life. )
I've been struggling a lot with the whole issue of Control. I've been struggling with it for years and i'm finally really learning to let go. It's like a weight off my shoulder to really trust God. I should have done it earlier - when i didn't want to. But i got really convicted last month and have been trying to take more effort toward really releasing my grip and stop fighting with him. I am a failure though. But i honestly want to fully trust him and really show that.
Riley is growing well way to much. She has gotten rid of her paci and is potty training right now. She is so proud of herself and i'm pretty proud of her too. She is currently playing with my old doll house - her new fav. thing. and her reward for making big girl choices . The pressure is on to really bring her up in a Godly manner. I had an awesome mother in law and spiritual mother. awesome. and i'm really feeling the void - i feel so unworthy to even share her last name. It took time for that relationship to grow and right as it was really blossoming it got taken away. I crave a spiritual moma - no one can ever replace her or even measure close to her and that makes me not want another but i know that kind of relationship is important. I'm praying that if that's the Lord's will to bless me with that kind of relationship he'll bring it.
I have been blessed though with amazing women at our church that i can call for discipline advice and such. But i crave for more friendships- an area that i'm having to give to the lord. I long for close friendships with a lot of the women at church. I feel very distant - mainly due to location i think i dunno- maybe that will get better once i move to jackson. But lonliness is huge and i think i've always dealt with that since i was young. I'm needy. But that gives more opportunity to lean on Christ and build my relationship with him. I really sometimes don't know how to build relationships , or how to be a good friend- i'm trying to learn but i'm a little slow in that area and dumb. I like to think i'm oh so smart and know so much - but in actuality simple concepts and ideas i have a really hard time wrapping my mind around then sometimes my brain just doesn't click. And in the term of friends when i don't know how to act or say i think i come off mean and rude - once again learning.
Anyways i long for that friendship and i'm a little jealous of the other women and their bonds and conversations and friendships.
But i need to stop focusing on myself( i can be pretty selfish- my fleshy self is so humbling and well at times shameful.) and focus on Christ. Building that relationship. Listening . Learning. I've been longing to learn what kind of woman he wants me to be - who am i called to be - And i am so blessed with a current study about women in the bible - it's an amazing answer to prayer. I was so pleasently suprised with it. I think I'm going to start reading an elizabeth elliott book as well. I long ot have a quiet heart - and to really react In christ. not me . him.
Mary had such a quiet heart and spirit. And was so thoughtful. a servants heart- I long for that. Not because she was like that but because that is what a woman of God should look like- She was an awesome picture for me. She had her downfalls and she was not perfect but she loved the lord and it showed. If only my testimony could radiate that.
And not for my glory and but for God's .
Testimony- What God has done for me.... WHAT HE HAS DONE.
not how great am i look at me.
For it not to be about me.


Time to stop writing and get my little girl to bed.
Thanks for reading if you are out there .