so today we are all suppose to be voting today and well i did not register to vote when i moved . I thought once you registered to vote you were good you didn't have to re-register and all- i was way wrong and missed out on a really exciting opportunity- ultimately disappointed and bummed out. But a really great lesson- Once again i don't know everything and i'm not as smart as i'd like to think. Yep talk about a slice of humble pie. After we move- if we move- hopefully we'll move - i'm registering again.
So i'm pretty selfish. I grew up in a pretty worldly family- my parents would kill me for saying that - but it's true - if you saw how we have lived - that is me growing up- and our lives you would see yup pretty worldly. My testimony even up till before i met my husband was well lacking greatly of Christ. Now don't get me wrong i was saved when i was in the 9th grade. But i did not understand the christian walk. I was pretty confused. I'm very greatful for the church i'm in now and the teachings and that my children can be brought up there. anyways back to my point selfishness- Yeah i'm pretty selfish- I grew up thinking it was all about me which makes for an interesting day to day struggle with my thoughts- And guess what i still act like that sometimes - well probally most of the time- And it's not about me. It's about Christ. my life is not about me and what i do and what i get and accomplish- it is about the work that Christ does in my life. This is a hard thing to grasp for me at times because like i said i'm selfish. I have been feeling very hazed - like i can't really think clearly and i'm having trouble really getting my sinful thoughts under control and really taking ever thought captive and giving it to the lord - big or small. So i'm planning on fasting on thursday- i know i should not be saying this because it kind of defeats the purpose of it being between God and myself- but i do not want any glory or praise for this. I am sharing this because maybe God can use this. I never really understood fasting but i just did a study on esther and felt a tug. I know you would not think that the story of esther would cause me to come to this matter but it has. I'm wanting to fast because i want to really focus on him . When the hunger sets in and the pains - to be reminded to focus on him and pray. I long for special time with him. For growing that relationship with my saviour- I want to get my focus off of myself. I want to really sit and listen.

I'm using the opportunity to clear my mind and heart.

I do desperately want to Glorify him and praise him. Shamefully though i have this aweful voice in the back of my head - and it's- i want people to say good job- your awesome- pats on the backs -stroke my ego please- i don't want to do things because i want people to see how awesome i am or think i'm awesome- because i'm not. i'm aweful. sinful. wretched. I'm ashamed of my behaviour and sinfulness and past- how ugly my life was without God and i'm thanful that i have a saviour that washes me clean and white as snow. because i was stained crimson red. I want when people look at me to see Christ and not I.
I'm not fasting to get things from him. I am fasting to shift my horrible focus from myself and the world to him.


I hate sin.... i despise the things of this world. I long for the fruits of the spirit. But ya know what if i was perfect and had all those things I would not need christ. And that is something i don't think i could live without. My favorite characteristic of christ is his faithfulness. God is faithful. I love that. I love that he is the same today, tomorrow , and yesterday- he is not fickle , he does not change with the times. He is God. how comforting is that in such a fickle world.
He is my comforter. I have moments where i wish i had someone to talk to (other than my husband and child. ) Someone to cry with when times are hard. But in times when i feel all alone- i can lean on him. I can cry to him- and he'll hold me in his righteous hand. NEATO!
Now don't get me wrong - i still crave for fellowship and friendship. And i still pray for that .
But sometimes satan can use that loneliness to get us to focus on ourselves. Which sometimes i do - i have a big old pitty party. How much better would it be if i praised God in those times. Instead of creating bitterness. It would be a lot better.

I ramble i know . I've probally gone down a million bunny trails.
I've got some work to do while Riley is asleep and i really wanted to start reading today during her nap time- I'm wanting to use my quiet time and down time for more preductive work and time to spend with my Abba. Untimed time. I should be making phone calls to schedule shows but i feel like i have more important things i can do that will really last.

Thanks for reading and thanks for the encouragement.



oh - Riley can now do a tumble (flip) by herself - unassisted- it's pretty awesome- She amazes me - i was reminded today that We (mothers/wifes) set the tone every morning for our house---- talk about humbleing. Anyways i think about that sweet little girl and what kind of tone am i setting for our home everyday and for her.

-Love-