parenting. when you are a parent and raising a child you get a lot of critizism and advice- some of it unwelcome , not asked for. everyone seems to have an opinion and view on what you do. And it's tiring and hard. and troubling. I've learned i have to continually keep my focus on christ and realizing that we are raising our child the way we need to , being lead by christ. Lord lead.
we go through knowing there is a chance that we are being judged , being ridiculed, being constantly picked at. But we cannot focus on that , if we do that can tear us apart, tear a relationship apart , we start to let frustrations and anger take over, having short tempers with our child, disciplining out of anger not out of love. that is a dangerous thing. Its a daily thing as most things are. to give her to christ to give ourselves over to christ. saying she is not ours we are not ourselves. you bought all of us with a price, we are yours. your servants.
We cannot worry about what the world thinks, what the world says. Only about Christ, what he says. I say this not as this is what you need to do, rais your child like this. i mearly write this as a kind reminder to david and i.

And the opinions of others and views and harsh words and looks may hurt. but all of that must be givin to God. And we must go on knowing and reminding ourselves where our focus is , and keeping a fixed eye on him.

we will make mistakes , but we must forgive eachother and ourselves and know that we are forgiven. and to not hold on to those mistakes but learn. And continually give it to God everyday.

you are an amazing father that has already taught your child so much. she looks up to you, and loves you. she's watching us and that is a scary but true fact. Know that God is guiding you and leading you, rest in him, trust in him. giving everything and anything , all to him.

forgiveness is a huge thing and a hard thing. it's an everyday choice. to forgive as christ forgave us. an easy thing to say but a hard thing to do. to love as christ loves. hugeness.

i'm wanting desiring the things that are not of this world. i constantly desire wisdom, grace, a gentle and kind spirit- lovingkindness. for these things it must be him not me.
no longer i but christ.......it's not about me. in a world full of i i i and me me me. everyday death to self. i've never realized how important this is until now. how needed it is. how necessary. it's an everyday lesson but also an everyday choice. to take the wisdom my husband gives not as critisism but as helpful advice, and same for him. no one wants to hear or see how horrible they are. pride- it gets in the way and is something seen as ugly that no one wants to admit- add some selfishness to that. i am ugly. i'm ashamed of my behavior and who i am. the sinless self. but Christ can take all of that away and make it beautiful. glorifying him. and that is wonderful and beautiful and hopeful. i despise my sinful self. i'm glad it's him and not i.
i crave and want a servant heart.


riley has been an everyday blessing. I think God has used her to show me and teach me. a little person, small and meek, still learning in this world is used to teach her mother about selflessness and grace and unconditional love. i love her spirit and who God is molding her to become i can't wait to see her continue to grow.
She is really blossoming. her imagination is great, the games we play are amazing. it hleps bring back my child imagaination to be able to play those games again. today we are going to cook - make some homemade cookies and granola.

small mississippi towns fill and melt my heart. I was able to go up to oxford yesterday and have a day of fun. Oxford is just such a special place and has a lot of special people there. Eating at bottletree is always an enjoyment and the first thing to do when i enter town. The coffee is simply peerfect and the food amazing. while we were there we managed to destroy the table we were at but at least we had fun in the process - riley thought the whole experience was hilarious and exciting. It was fun getting to share something i loved with her and seeing her same love and enjoyment for it. Running thru rowan oak was the best though. watching out for hiding ninjas and standing underneath the magical rowan tree that fairies come out of at night. and i suppose sit on gummy dew drops. Jim's imagination is a beautiful thing and a wonderful gift that i am so greatful i get to experience at times and reminds me of how i need to stay and be. Imagination is a blessing and a wonderrful gift. The tree of candy lollipops though was the best.

we listened to rafi on the way home and it brought back great memories and she loved it , she didn't want it to end but it had too of course.

Rest finally came last night. And calmness is here for now - thanks lord! He's teaching me- humbleness. and to not think of myself - i really want a servant heart. i'm owrkin towards that - well no i can't do it on my own accord i'm letting God work on me and change that in me. Hopefully I will not get in his way.

today will be out first haircut for riley. i'm interested to see what will happen.

so i feel like i've been in a fog for the last week or so. my brain has been on overload i believe i didn't finally get any clarity until i got some time alone. and all of a sudden thought started to enter my brain.

i'm slowly being able to breathe again slowly but surely it's coming back. i think for the first time i realize i have too much on my plate and need help.

sometimes its so hard to think and concentrate and i just want to rest at God's feet. jsut rest in him , in his pressence cause right now that's all i really know what to do.

i'm realizing that over time i've read things and said yeah i so get that and oh yeah i understand that lord - scriptures, praise songs. but only now looking thru the trails and jsut well time i realize ya know i don't think i fully understood that. and now i am learning to appreciate it a lot more things such as a broken and contrite heart - understanding that and wanting that.
sometimes i don't know if i or any of us really realize what we ask of God , what are we really asking- when we ask to have a servant attitude and to hsow grace do we really get it - what that takes - that takes it not being us but all him. sacrifice on our part - are we really willing to do that? if the desires of our heart is too really be conformed and follow him and be molded and glorify him that is something we have to do. give up the us part.

also i think i'll take all the hard times and trials over easy street cause God has taught me so much and those times are special because of that.

i'm asking God for wisdom and to help me make some wise choices. and peace and rest in moments where sometimes there seems so few.

so four years ago i put up this brick wall- totally surrounding me. ( i got broken and i put myself back together poorly)
apathetic, bitter, sarcastic, selfish, yeah pretty much trying to protect myself from anyone hurting me , getting in - all that jazz.
well then came along a boy. and God used that boy. to take down each and every brick one at a time. this boy came along with his wonderful family and slowly but surely the girl , me , got put back together.
thanks to said boy - which God used- i've drawn closer to God and am loving him more everyday and letting him shape me.


Dave's mom is quiet an amazing lady and she has cancer again. metastic. not a good thing.
I love her. and i'm not sure if she realizes how much i love her. She has done nothing but love me and riley. I've been jealous at times - yes i know how stoopid can u get- cause well she's amazing and a great mother and cook and does all these things for her family and she's thoughtful and she's been there for me and given me advice and been supportive and well like i said wonderful. She is the example to me and for me of what a Godly woman is. And i need her. I need her wisdom, i need her love, i need her advice and drinks over coffee and all the things i missed out on when i was younger. Her and her husband embody for me christs unconditional love. she is a testimony to me. and she has no clue. i'm gonna let her know cause i feel if i don't i'll always regret it.

I'm praying hard right now for the doctors and their judgement and care for her. For her to be strong to fight this. my bother in law wrote that he is never going to stop having hope.
and i agree.


it's raining right now - and the sound is somewhat comforting.
i know God has this and i'm just going to have to rely on him and rest in that. That is really all any of us can do. Cause we are not in control at all. He is , and you know what i'm glad.
it's scary but i'm so glad that his ways are not mine , cause he has a plan and a reason for everything - though i don't know it , though i can't see it - he can and he's in charge.
And knowing who he is and his character that is a good thing.