parenting. when you are a parent and raising a child you get a lot of critizism and advice- some of it unwelcome , not asked for. everyone seems to have an opinion and view on what you do. And it's tiring and hard. and troubling. I've learned i have to continually keep my focus on christ and realizing that we are raising our child the way we need to , being lead by christ. Lord lead.
we go through knowing there is a chance that we are being judged , being ridiculed, being constantly picked at. But we cannot focus on that , if we do that can tear us apart, tear a relationship apart , we start to let frustrations and anger take over, having short tempers with our child, disciplining out of anger not out of love. that is a dangerous thing. Its a daily thing as most things are. to give her to christ to give ourselves over to christ. saying she is not ours we are not ourselves. you bought all of us with a price, we are yours. your servants.
We cannot worry about what the world thinks, what the world says. Only about Christ, what he says. I say this not as this is what you need to do, rais your child like this. i mearly write this as a kind reminder to david and i.

And the opinions of others and views and harsh words and looks may hurt. but all of that must be givin to God. And we must go on knowing and reminding ourselves where our focus is , and keeping a fixed eye on him.

we will make mistakes , but we must forgive eachother and ourselves and know that we are forgiven. and to not hold on to those mistakes but learn. And continually give it to God everyday.

you are an amazing father that has already taught your child so much. she looks up to you, and loves you. she's watching us and that is a scary but true fact. Know that God is guiding you and leading you, rest in him, trust in him. giving everything and anything , all to him.

forgiveness is a huge thing and a hard thing. it's an everyday choice. to forgive as christ forgave us. an easy thing to say but a hard thing to do. to love as christ loves. hugeness.

i'm wanting desiring the things that are not of this world. i constantly desire wisdom, grace, a gentle and kind spirit- lovingkindness. for these things it must be him not me.
no longer i but christ.......it's not about me. in a world full of i i i and me me me. everyday death to self. i've never realized how important this is until now. how needed it is. how necessary. it's an everyday lesson but also an everyday choice. to take the wisdom my husband gives not as critisism but as helpful advice, and same for him. no one wants to hear or see how horrible they are. pride- it gets in the way and is something seen as ugly that no one wants to admit- add some selfishness to that. i am ugly. i'm ashamed of my behavior and who i am. the sinless self. but Christ can take all of that away and make it beautiful. glorifying him. and that is wonderful and beautiful and hopeful. i despise my sinful self. i'm glad it's him and not i.
i crave and want a servant heart.


riley has been an everyday blessing. I think God has used her to show me and teach me. a little person, small and meek, still learning in this world is used to teach her mother about selflessness and grace and unconditional love. i love her spirit and who God is molding her to become i can't wait to see her continue to grow.
She is really blossoming. her imagination is great, the games we play are amazing. it hleps bring back my child imagaination to be able to play those games again. today we are going to cook - make some homemade cookies and granola.

small mississippi towns fill and melt my heart. I was able to go up to oxford yesterday and have a day of fun. Oxford is just such a special place and has a lot of special people there. Eating at bottletree is always an enjoyment and the first thing to do when i enter town. The coffee is simply peerfect and the food amazing. while we were there we managed to destroy the table we were at but at least we had fun in the process - riley thought the whole experience was hilarious and exciting. It was fun getting to share something i loved with her and seeing her same love and enjoyment for it. Running thru rowan oak was the best though. watching out for hiding ninjas and standing underneath the magical rowan tree that fairies come out of at night. and i suppose sit on gummy dew drops. Jim's imagination is a beautiful thing and a wonderful gift that i am so greatful i get to experience at times and reminds me of how i need to stay and be. Imagination is a blessing and a wonderrful gift. The tree of candy lollipops though was the best.

we listened to rafi on the way home and it brought back great memories and she loved it , she didn't want it to end but it had too of course.

Rest finally came last night. And calmness is here for now - thanks lord! He's teaching me- humbleness. and to not think of myself - i really want a servant heart. i'm owrkin towards that - well no i can't do it on my own accord i'm letting God work on me and change that in me. Hopefully I will not get in his way.

today will be out first haircut for riley. i'm interested to see what will happen.

so i feel like i've been in a fog for the last week or so. my brain has been on overload i believe i didn't finally get any clarity until i got some time alone. and all of a sudden thought started to enter my brain.

i'm slowly being able to breathe again slowly but surely it's coming back. i think for the first time i realize i have too much on my plate and need help.

sometimes its so hard to think and concentrate and i just want to rest at God's feet. jsut rest in him , in his pressence cause right now that's all i really know what to do.

i'm realizing that over time i've read things and said yeah i so get that and oh yeah i understand that lord - scriptures, praise songs. but only now looking thru the trails and jsut well time i realize ya know i don't think i fully understood that. and now i am learning to appreciate it a lot more things such as a broken and contrite heart - understanding that and wanting that.
sometimes i don't know if i or any of us really realize what we ask of God , what are we really asking- when we ask to have a servant attitude and to hsow grace do we really get it - what that takes - that takes it not being us but all him. sacrifice on our part - are we really willing to do that? if the desires of our heart is too really be conformed and follow him and be molded and glorify him that is something we have to do. give up the us part.

also i think i'll take all the hard times and trials over easy street cause God has taught me so much and those times are special because of that.

i'm asking God for wisdom and to help me make some wise choices. and peace and rest in moments where sometimes there seems so few.

so four years ago i put up this brick wall- totally surrounding me. ( i got broken and i put myself back together poorly)
apathetic, bitter, sarcastic, selfish, yeah pretty much trying to protect myself from anyone hurting me , getting in - all that jazz.
well then came along a boy. and God used that boy. to take down each and every brick one at a time. this boy came along with his wonderful family and slowly but surely the girl , me , got put back together.
thanks to said boy - which God used- i've drawn closer to God and am loving him more everyday and letting him shape me.


Dave's mom is quiet an amazing lady and she has cancer again. metastic. not a good thing.
I love her. and i'm not sure if she realizes how much i love her. She has done nothing but love me and riley. I've been jealous at times - yes i know how stoopid can u get- cause well she's amazing and a great mother and cook and does all these things for her family and she's thoughtful and she's been there for me and given me advice and been supportive and well like i said wonderful. She is the example to me and for me of what a Godly woman is. And i need her. I need her wisdom, i need her love, i need her advice and drinks over coffee and all the things i missed out on when i was younger. Her and her husband embody for me christs unconditional love. she is a testimony to me. and she has no clue. i'm gonna let her know cause i feel if i don't i'll always regret it.

I'm praying hard right now for the doctors and their judgement and care for her. For her to be strong to fight this. my bother in law wrote that he is never going to stop having hope.
and i agree.


it's raining right now - and the sound is somewhat comforting.
i know God has this and i'm just going to have to rely on him and rest in that. That is really all any of us can do. Cause we are not in control at all. He is , and you know what i'm glad.
it's scary but i'm so glad that his ways are not mine , cause he has a plan and a reason for everything - though i don't know it , though i can't see it - he can and he's in charge.
And knowing who he is and his character that is a good thing.

i'm so greatful for my husband - i've known him for a while and throughout our friendship , dating and marriage he's been probally the closest person to me - he can call me out on things- he sees my sinful nature - he sees the things i can't see and don't want to see. And though it is hard to deal with those aspects in my life and i tend to not want to - i think a lot of people don't want to think about themselves in a negative light - but i am greatful that i have someone who loves me enough to do this for me but not only does he do these for me he encourages me in my daily walk and life. Which is awesome. i also had great friends that i could turn to which was a huge blessing.
anyways my point is this :

We are called to live in community; this impacts not only our understanding of personal needs and our interpersonal relationships, but also our struggle against temptation and sin. Praying for God to “deliver us from the evil one,” means embracing one of the greatest protections God has given us: each other.

As brothers and sisters in Christ, we protect each other from self-delusions. Sin is deceptive (Heb 3 v. 13). We usually sin because we rationalize our behavior. We convince ourselves it’s no big deal. Our heart and will surrender to the excuses of our mind, and only someone else can point out our self-deceit. A loving brother or sister needs to say, “You’'ve got it all wrong. And you’re headed for disaster.” In addition to admonition, we need encouragement when we’re ready to throw in the towel.

One of the best and hardest parts of Christian discipleship involves our relationship with other believers. Sometimes it seems easier to go it alone. But that misses our calling as part of the body of Christ, the great building of God (see 1 Cor. 3).

Hebrews 3:7-19

i really loved these verses cause it shows how important fellowship is and makes me so greatfull for the fellowship i have in friends, family, and the church.

so i'm reading the tale of despereaux and it's quite amazing. i'm finding a lot of undertones and truth - especially with the whole light and darkness in the world. And how desp. goes against the norm and stands up for what he believes is right. She mentioned the word perfidy and this story has so much of it in there.... which is sad because there is a lot of it in the world but it makes desp. that much more sweet and the story that much more wonderful and true. I love absolutely love despereaux. i can't wait to read this to riley one day.

i've started being less lazy in the kitchen in the mornings. i've actually put breakfeastes together the last few days and i've enjoyed it.


i want to take my fav. person out on a day date this weekend. saturday night we are going to hattiesburg to see some friends play. and well while we are in town i wanna take him to a potter y/ canvass painting store and paint something together - i know it's gooby and corn but i think he would really appreciate it and it would be fun with him plus i've always wanted to check those places out. and this place is decently priced.

so this past weekend i went to oxford, it was simply wonderful. it was so cold. my face was frozen half of the time and i doubled up on jackets but even though it was cold it didn't ruin the weekend i think it made it better, running around in the cold with friends - was simply wonderful. sitting around a table, drinking coffee and enjoying the conversation and company. wonderful times and memories. I miss it. Sunday i stood in the bread department at kroger and got sad cause it wasn't bottle tree and all the baked goods would pale in comparision. i got spoiled this weekend with good times. But i'll be up there again.
i just really enjoy small towns and small mississippi towns in particular.
but it is good to be home and being home makes me enjoy those moments away even more and not take then for granted and in the same turn being away makes me appreciate home as well and the friends i have here. if only we could all be in one place. i have two new books - girl meets god and the tale of desperaux - i started desperaux last night and i'm already in love. i'm glad i'm reading again - i got inspired to while in oxford - having the background noise of an old movie on the screen eating strawberry fields out of a coffe cup with a measuring spoon cuddled up on a couch reading breakfreast at tiffany's ...... i was reminded i loved these moments.

i painted last night it felt good. i'm pretty pleased with it as well. it's a tuscan sunset.

prayer is not telling God what he already knows, it's actively trusting him.
i worry way too much. it's actually a problem for me . it can cause phsyical pain if i let myself worry so much. worry is not trusting God and i whole heartedly know this. But i think i worry and wonder too much about how i appear or what others think of me . I tend well no i do forget my value to him. And that alone should be enough. I think some of the clouds in my mind are starting to part.

Going to clinton today to hang out with a dear friend. can't wait.
also meeting up with a friend to plan a bridal shower for another friend. should be fun

i get to go to oxford this weekend i'm really really pumped i've been wanting to go the last four years and i finally get to go visit some awesome people.


Tomorrow is valentines day and i'm hoping for a good one. i have some things up my sleeve . hopefully he does too. we'll see , we'll see.

so i got it this morning. i got it - it all became so clear i'm doing my devotion this morning on Hebrews 11, it's about faith - faith in what we know and what we can't see. faith is knowing God's character and his work and his promise.

God is not an ever changing god, God does not change with the culture. He is not a one size fits all god. He is God. He is the same today yesterday and tomorrow. He is faithful. He is true he cannot contradict himself. That's what is so amazing about him . He is God.

His requirements for the dealing of sin was fulfilled when Jesus offered himself as the one perfect and holy sacrifice to pay the wage for our sin. God was satisfied when he did this. His prophecy was fulfilled.

You can depend on him to be the same God. and i take comfort at that. That i can read his word and know him. that he isn't going to change on me or anything.

i've had the information , i've known these things but the light bulb just went on. it all clicks and i get it.

it's rainy and cloudy today and cold , and to me it's almost comforting.
i was going to go get my oil changed today and get a free car wash. but instead i'm staying in and i may even read while riley is taking an afternoon nap here in a few minutes. I've already read the jfp. but i think it's time for a book. that's one thing i miss about nursing and riley being so young that all she did was eat and sleep- that was the first time in forever where i would just sit and read and i loved it i looked forward to feedings cause i could read a cool book. but then she got older and midnight book readings ended. so today i will try to read some eudora welty or some grim adventures . i'm just not sure.

dave and i were going to go on a date tongiht - but we couldn't get a babysitter - pretty much our whole story for the weekend. no babysitter tomorrow either - so we're going to have a date here. i'm going to go run an errand pick up dinner and a movie and come home for a date. i mean who says you can't have a date at home why do we think we have to acttually go out and stay out and all the jazz i mean we use to have movie marathon night and we'd hang out at someones home and jsut watch movies - those nights rocked - so tongiht we get to have a date night at home - and i'm looking forward to it.

riley is toting around her tatered blanket gigi . and lela is doing spins trying to get my attnention cause she has to go peepee. nothing like a nice unplanned afternoon at home.


my hair is blue and i've gotta a new love nickname of blueberry.

there are some strawberries in my refrigerator and i think they are calling my name

this week has been somewhat trying. i've been doubting myself in probally every aspect. thinking i'm pretty much worthless- hating myself, and questioning myself on every aspect that i do from where should i go to the grocery store and cleaning. To am i good mom , do i give riley enough attention. i need to stop and just be myself. and not question everything so much cause if i just keep this up i'll be a depressed little person that hides underneath her bed and doesn't want to go outside.

i'm not a put together mom at all. i walk into cups and i'm a mess. riel yis trying ot put a top on somethign that well she's using hte wrong top and almost knocks over the whole drink then i have to throw that away while she attempts to join to older men in a conversation about dentures then tryies to push a chair all the way to the door. It's hard you think everyone is looking at you and judging you. and you know what so what if they are . my security does not lie in them. i think that's been my problem this week i've been focusing so much on all this negative and not realizing where my strenght and security lie. it's in christ. if i focus on myself - yeah i'm gonna be down and i don't how much growing i will do - but if i focus on christ then that makes a difference. for it's not me that lives but him who lives in me. i really like writting , i think it's the best way for me to think and get my thoughts out there.

everyday is a new morning and that's pretty awesome, cause everything is brand new.

riely is watching the wiggles. her fav show - then she'll take a nap. i'm pretty convinced these guys have no idea what they are doing. one of them named anthony when he sings he's not sure what to do like how do i lipsing- so he always starts off after everyone else. insteresting.

i'm redoing my hair today with a good old pal of mine. i think she's gonna like the bold choice i'm picking. hopefully it'll look good. i have ideas.

i'm in a downer today. completly. i feel ugh. i'm over thinking as usual. i need peace and some calm and for my restless mind to rest. i feel like it's going a million miles a minute. i've prayed.. next i'l read.

riley looks pretty adorable today. her little stomach and hair all in her face. she doesn't really want to have anything to do with me. hopefully later she will. i'm off to see a friend later this afternoon. so that should be great.

i did spin last night which was pretty awesome. except for the sore bottom. i think i may do it friday as well. then sat. do some yoga. i dunno maybe.

today i got up extra early to take my puppy in to get groomed only to fin out she wouldn't be ready when i could pick her up - no guarentee so she didn't get groomed - that means next week she'll be going to petsmart to get groomed. i was not a happy camper - but at least tonight is game might with some awesome people. and i get to hang out with them before this afternoon. should be fun.

so i'm sittin here with my computer and riley is sitting next to me - watching playhouse disney , her little hand is clutching her ankle. she fazes back in and stretches contemplates laying down on my lap but returns to an upright position sitting. this pretty much rocks.

- i think she may still be tired from last night - we didn't get home till 9- after spending the afternoon at jolies and eating dinner with them- we went to gravity and saw aunt ree and hung up some of my art. she had a pretty good time sitting at the counter. it feels good having my art up somewhere other than my gallery. i likey.

i'm staying home today to get some work done . maybe clean the tub- maybe- and do some paper work for my other job- peer counselour- and then maybe go ahead and vacum. and givethe riley a bath cause she loves to play in the water.

i think today will be a good day.

yoga on saturday......i really really really can't wait.

riley is watching the wiggles and in the middle of the song sites down and lays on her back and put her legs in the air - and then makes noises every once in a while.
oddness.... but addorable

i hate money. and i hate ebay. darn it and it's pictures and bids and buy me nows. i just like to look right now i think i'm out of the habit of i wanna buy.darn swanky boutiques and sale racks and all stores..... i saw a shirt today and thought about buying it . i needed a good slap the hand bad emmi- cause frankly i don't think i need anymore clothes ...... if u saw my closet...and well dresser ......and well u would be ashamed.......
anyways money sucks and i hate spending it and i hate wanting to spend it and i hate it even more when the bills roll in . but bills rolling in reminds me that i want to be a good stweard with the money that the lord has given me. it's an everyday thing.


christmas spoiled me......its back to being cheap cheap cheap.

and thinking.

so i'm going to be haning new works in my gallery this weekend and i'm pretty pumped. but what i'm more pumped about is that i may be going on a date this weekend with this boy- and he's well wonderful. he's been a complete goof and joy lately. realllllllly sweet. so i'm excited.

so i'm sitting in my home alone. and its weird i've actually never had a night alone at home and i mean completly alone , just me and the dog. and it's not too bad - it's nice - relaxing - i want to maybe do this once in a while.

I walked in the door - stampeded to get the dog out of it's cage and got greeted by a very full little bladder that needed to go out- i unloaded the car - got followed and jumped on , almost knocked over by my little friend. cleaned up after myself and my little girl, tried on a dress- loved it - and then sat down and ate dinner. as i was doing everything i realized this could have been me - alone with a dog at home - and while it is nicce to have this time and i really enjoy it - i don't enjoy it that much - i love my life and its in that moment i love that i'm a wife and a mom. i mean yeah riley has her moments but i wouldn't know what to do without her - she's my best friend my buddy, and dave well yeah i know i don't know what to do without him. Sunday he had to stay home from church so riley stayed with him and well after church i felt so awkward and strange - i didn't know what to do with myself. anyways my point is though i like this moment i wouldn't want it everyday or for the rest of my life. so i type here watch tv and basically fart around while i wait for my husband and darling little girl to come in the door and for lela to follow barking to greet them. and it will be a wonderful moment.

so i'm kind of without words today. Yesterday we found out that dave's mom has some cell's poping back up - she had breast cancer. and so it looks like shes going to have to do chemo again. Which i hate. I've grown to love this woman so much , like another mother cause well she is, she's my mom in law. I realized last night that well in the past two years a lot has changed. When dave and i got married i think i was wearing this protective shell. and now that shell has had a lot chipped off. i'm not trying to protect myself as much or put up a front or whatever it maybe called. I'm finding that slowly i'm becoming more myself around them. anyways she's so sweet. too sweet. She's probally the most thoughtful though pushy at times with food and other things it all comes from this wonderful place. And i sincerly hate hate hate hate hate that she has to do chemo again that it has even come up. It's not fair its not. She's started teaching again and she's doing so well and to have to do it all over again. Supposedly it's going to be not as rough as the last time.
I dunno if i show her or them how much i love them. I don't even tell dave this. Although i started too last night. anyways pray for them. But mrs. mary is an amazing woman and i know she will have a good attitude and this just adds to her already amazing testimony but i just hate that she has to go through it. and deep down it's a little scary.